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We believe that children are the future, and that’s why we created Hell Jr. the first and only line of kids clothing offensive enough to be sold by T-Shirt Hell. It’s for those magical years when you’re too old for Baby Hell, but not quite ready for our adult designs. Because let’s face it: you’re never too young to be an asshole.
We did not just shrink our regular T-shirt Hell designs to fit on smaller size clothes; we are launching over 25 brand new, exclusive Hell Jr. designs that will appeal to the young, the young at heart, and most of you idiots. Topics like school, scouting, teen idols, and just plain being a kid. But all of them have been twisted, desecrated, and violated as only T-Shirt Hell can do.
We are now offering kids sizes starting with a size 2-4, all of the way up to a 14-16; and in 8 fun colors! Are the colors really fun? Fuck if I know, but they always talk about kids’ shit like that. So, the colors are fun, and the sizes are super fun. Seriously, you’ll blow your load when you see the size chart.
And of course we’ve made all of the new Hell Jr. designs available on our adult size shirts, too. Because let’s face it; some of you are fucking retards and even though you’re 25 you’re still struggling to finish fifth grade. Seriously, most of you are morons. So, don’t waste another minute trying to master long division, check out Hell Jr. right now.
These are the perfect gifts for your kids, your friend’s kids, even that runaway you have chained up in your basement. Hey, they shamed you into keeping that baby you might as well dress it up however you want. Enjoy them, and just tell Social Services to mind their own fucking business.
I assume you all saw the Joe Biden/Sarah Palin debate. If you didn't, you missed a hell of a show. My favorite part was where Sarah Palin shot Joe Biden and gutted him like a moose, and then took her clothes off and started masturbating with the gun. Or was that just the debate that took place in my head? (And that I later hired hobos to reenact?)
Search teams found wreckage of Steve Fossett's plane in California just over one year after the millionaire adventurer went missing. The man who initially found the plane stated "All I found was the wreckage and Mr. Fossett's remains. His wallet was already empty and he was definitely NOT wearing his Rolex. Also, his eye socket had my sperm in it before I even got here."
In economic news, the market- It did what? Okay, I'm being told- How's that? Alright, apparently the market is- Now what! It seems the- FUCK IT! In economic news, poor people could give a shit about the market and they'll end up getting fucked by a bunch of rich assholes who fucked things up in the first place. And there's your economic report from now until capitalism crumbles.
NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg recently asked the city council to extend term limits so that he may run for a third term. He also asked the council if they would legalize strangling hookers with piano wire and tossing midgets from an overpass into oncoming traffic. The council immediately shot down the proposal. Thanks anyway, Mike.
In "thing that happened" news, David Blaine recently hung upside down in New York for 60 hours. People are growing increasingly uninterested in Blaine's stunts, but I must admit I was very impressed. I had no idea a douchebag could hang upside down that long without dripping.
Film legend and icon Paul Newman recently passed away. And since there is absolutely no way to make fun of Paul Newman, I'd just like to use this time to call that guy from Fall Out Boy a cunt.
Clay Aiken recently came out of the closet (with a cock in his mouth) and announced that he is, in fact, gay. Silly me, I thought Clay Aiken came out of the closet the first time he appeared on American Idol. This story, along with Lindsay Lohan confirming that she's been dating the only female with a face uglier than her own vagina, has been heavily publicized over the past few days.
While the general public has grown tired of these "coming out" stories (especially since scientists recently discovered a gene which proves all humans are gay), they are still very relevant. The importance of these stories is their inspirational value. A few celebrities announce their sexual preference, and suddenly countless others find the courage to step forth and declare their own sexual proclivities. Below, a few examples.
Dustin Hoffman - Has to watch The Graduate with French subtitles while shooting his pet iguana with a pellet gun in order to reach climax.
Kelly Ripa - Every other Tuesday, sits on a dead baby while a homeless man in a Napoleon mask screams "GELMAN NEEDS THIS!"
Elton John - Loves pussy. Can't get enough of it. Asian, Hispanic, black, white, whatever. Rarely a moment passes he isn't neck deep in poon. The man just loves cooter.
Alfre Woodard - Screams "Spear chucker!" at white people while a midget bleaches her asshole.
Bill O'Reilly - Sean Hannity tongues his left ball, Rush Limbaugh tongues his right ball, and Glenn Beck works the shaft. All while he sucks Ann Coulter's cock.
Eva Longoria - Sets Jewish teenagers on fire while riding a lawnmower in the nude.
That girl in the Harry Potter movies - Sneaks into men's restrooms and shits in the urinals. Then she brings the urinal cake home and feeds it to her grandmother, who is suffering from dementia.
Dr. Phil - Has to masturbate on national treasures. The Liberty Bell, Lincoln Memorial, Statue of Liberty, etc. You name it, it's got Dr. Phil's seed on it.
Reese Witherspoon - Has her Filipino houseboy choke her with licorice whips until she passes out. When she comes to, she chews a used tampon after covering it with marmalade.
Dakota Fanning - Puts on a fake cock, roofies herself, and hooks up with NAMBLA members at a predetermined location.
Marilyn Manson - After putting on a condom, engages in missionary style sex with a woman in her early to mid-thirties. When finished, he says, in a gentle voice "That was very nice. Can I see you again Tuesday?"
Amy Winehouse - Basically, just sits in dark alleys and waits to encounter a rapist with absolutely no standards.
The Jonas Brothers - Using their tongues, they fish their purity rings out of each other's assholes. It's all innocent enough. They simply misinterpreted Leviticus.
Lil' Wayne - Simply lays back with his mouth open and allows twenty guys to take turns doing the "Sack-dip." Featuring T-Pain.
Lucy Liu - Has to huff the used underwear of fifteen-year-old white males. That's right, it's the exact opposite for those people.
John Cusack - Removes the teeth from four or five sharks no longer than threefeet long, rubs his genitals in chum and...you get the idea.
Kathleen Turner - Drops her panties, sits on one of those price scanners at Wal-Mart, and in that famous husky voice says "Tell me how much I'm worth, Junior."
Matt Lauer - Willard Scott, along with 102-year-old Janine Griesmore, throw Smucker's Jelly at his ass while Al Roker pisses on his face saying "Here comes the warm front..."
Natalie Portman - Watches footage of the 9-11 attacks on a loop. After climax, wipes her vagina with a paper towel and saves it in a petri dish labeled with that day's date.
George Clooney - Puts on a Denver Broncos cap, eats a Denver omelette and listens to John Denver. Oh, and then he fucks four models.
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-----Original Message-----
From: mother of a retarted child
Your website surely is a ticket to hell for you!!! The uneducated people that would purchase a "baby" t-shirt that says retarded babies for Palin will be joining you there. I have a child with autism and I pray that someday you actually come into contact with someone that is not as perfect as you think you are and realize that every special needs child is a gift.
That would explain why none of you have a special needs child. But don't worry, you will get yours, Karma sure is a bitch!!!! Take these ridiculous t-shirts off of your website or I will find a way to make that happen.
Editor's Note: Fine, so a special needs child is a gift. Nobody ever said you have to keep a gift you don't want. You can exchange it, return it, regift it, or simply throw it away.
That's just a word of advice to anyone else who receives this precious "gift" from God. When God sends you your special bungle - I mean bundle - you just, politely as possible, say "Thanks, God, but no thanks. Now where's that dumpster?"
Contrary to what you believe, I don't have a special needs child because, even though it doesn't work for you, prayer actually works for me. That's why I have no children, special or otherwise. It's also why I can shoot lasers out of my nipples and communicate with marine life.
By the way, if karma truly is a bitch, why is it that I, the presumed asshole, am rich and childless, and you, the presumed saint, have been cursed with a faulty child and enough free time to bitch about T-shirts? You're either wrong about karma or about your entire concept of morality. The main point is, you're fucking wrong.
And by all means, find a way to have these shirts taken off our site. Just don't ask your kid for any help. It'll just call you a potato and go dance in the toilet.
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-----Original Message-----
From: sharon
sick & preverted tshirt about palin. shame. here's to another dem loser, glad you could help.
Editor's Note: Okay, so most of the bitching directed at us over this shirt went something like "How dare you make fun of broken babies!" But we also got our fair share political bitching which was seemingly written by second graders.
Political minded people seem to be incapable of understanding those of us who simply don't give a shit. You want to support Douchebag A over Douchebag B, go right ahead. But you're not going to shame or insult me into choosing sides. So our shirt helps secure the presidency for a geriatric man who isn't recognizable as the level-headed man he was eight years ago and a woman who is only slightly more politically informed than my used tampons. You think I give a shit?
Why do people instantly perceive criticism of one thing as support for another? Look, if I call Republicans a bunch of ignorant assholes, as they are, I'm not announcing my support for Democrats. And if I call Democrats a bunch of whiny cunts, as they are, I'm not announcing my support for Republicans. In either case, I'm simply showing my support for Bob Barr.
And note to Republicans: voting your party simply because you feel picked on and want to defy Democrats isn't helping you look any smarter. "Call me stupid for electing an unqualified candidate, will you? I'll show you. I'll vote for simple-minded hicks from now until doomsday just to rub your nose in it."
Speaking of which, calling an unqualified person unqualified isn't an insult; that's called accuracy. If a drunken Gary Busey was about to perform brain surgery on someone you would call him unqualified and everyone would agree because that's common sense.
But call out an unqualified politician and everyone in his or her party will call you a bully and a liar. That's the beauty of politics - arbitrarily supporting your party for no reason other than loyalty, regardless of what you're being loyal to. Guy in my party/Guy in my party '08!
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-----Original Message-----
From: Tommy E.
I thought I had seen in all but your tee that says "retarded babies for palin" is the worst. You should die and rot in HELL! Do you realize how many people this hurts. You have sold your sole to the devil and that is just my opinion.
Editor's Note: Here's a tip: Never follow up a harsh criticism and outright condemnation with "and that is just my opinion." Talk about the very definition of passive. "YOU ARE AN ABOMINATION AND DEMONS WILL GNAW AT YOUR FLESH FOR ALL ETERNITY! You know, maybe. What the fuck do I know?"
But you are right about one thing; we totally sold our sole to the devil. And I'd like to use this space to clear up perhaps the biggest misunderstanding in history. Satan does not now, nor has he ever, desired our souls. He just wants the bottom of our shoes. Oh, we offered him our souls, but he was like "What the fuck? What makes all you assholes think I'd want your metaphysical essence? Hey, what're those, New Balance?"
And, yes, I do realize how many people this hurts. And that number is zero. Oh, I'm sure it hurts plenty of douchebags, but no people. And I'd bet you all the money in a retarded kid's stomach that no retards are hurt by it.
You know why? They are incapable of being offended by bullshit people like you say they should be offended by. Which, oddly enough, makes them smarter than almost every other group on Earth. Fuck, how is it that tards are smarter than people who defend them? That kid who eats Play-Doh and fights park benches? Yeah, you're dumber than him.
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-----Original Submission-----
From: Steph
Thank you for proving what pieces of slime Obama supporters are with your tshirt. Thanks to your tshirt exposing what POS support Obama 3 more independents are now voting for McCain. Obama voters kill babies.
Editor's Note: Don't make such broad generalizations. I'm not voting for Obama and I've killed more babies than my local Arby's knows what to do with. You know who else isn't voting for Obama? God. And when you add up all the miscarriages and stillbirths throughout history, that guy's numbers put Planned Parenthood to shame. Combine that with the fact that God is the one who allows those damn liberals to kill babies in the first place, and you reach the conclusion that God is a bit of a cunt.
This email kind of goes back to what I was saying earlier. Here we have three people who are, at least on paper, adults, and they are voting for a candidate because a fucking T-shirt hurt their feelings. "John McCain's wha? Policies? I don't know what that means, but shirt make me feel bad!"
A shirt which doesn't even imply that we support Obama, despite what you conclusion-jumping assholes may think. Wal-Mart sells books and fitness equipment. Do you think they care about literacy and health? No, businesses care about profit. This is not MoveOn.org, this is fucking T-Shirt Hell. McCain voters don't kill enough babies.
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[Don't Forget to Flush]
Fear can hold you prisoner, hope can set you free. But not before fear has made you his bitch and forced his cock down your throat.
Peace
